200 Days

It has been a few weeks since I last sat at my office desk; not to work but to take it all in once time before my desk is deemed as part of the "hotel" system my agency needs.

It has been 200 days since the last time I actually worked at that desk. I said goodbye to my coworker Netta. I haven't seen her since then, but I haven't seen her name in any emails as "In Memorandum" (emails to inform us the someone within the agency has passed) so I guess that's nice. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I recognized any names in those emails.

Most days I sit at my desk, located behind my bed in my tiny studio (paid for by my agency to be a live-in caretaker of a wonderful gent that lives below me) for emails to come in. I send out emails and track data on excel spread sheets, then save them to the shared drive and then wait some more. My job as an interviewer is dramatized; no one wants a person outcomes measure done. at least not the staff... they have more important things to do. Those emails and weekly newsletters are lost among the chaos. I fear my job will be deemed "unessential" by 2021 and me to be booted to HR or perhaps the Training Dept.

I'm not mad.

Honestly, I don't think I could ever be mad. I was put on "Unpaid Administrative Leave" March 23rd and have been in a weird limo state until August. Even now I still feel like I'm floating among the masses as my boss fumbles to find a need for me administratively. If she ever retires I'm probably her replacement. I hate that feeling. She is a great asset and I'm only a shadow of what she could do.

Why me? I just want to live in the shadows, I would rather go go back to wiping butts.

52 Days

It'd been 52 days since I have seen my desk. Since I have said goodbye to my coworkers, not knowing if I would see them again. 52 days from entering my office and saying "Hello" to Lois, Gina, Netta, Bill, Noel... all the people I had just gotten comfortable around.

Today I just finished up my fifth week of my new very temporary job as a grocery shopper for group homes. I have shopped about 50 times, at the mercy of their shopping lists and their schedules, not knowing if I will have a full day or be waiting in my car for hours on a call that may or may not happen. I try to be chipper, greeting them as early as I am able (sometimes very hung over, the only way I can sleep a full night). It's a good thing they can't see my face behind the mask; as long as my eyes "smile" they don't have to know.

It has been a roller coaster of emotions this past month and a half.

I had the virus, and it wrecked me for the better part of a week. I said my goodbyes. I purged my life and came to peace with my life that I had, then things turned and I regained my straight. I started tasting again and could go for walks (not to the bathroom and back to bed). REAL walks. 

Life got better, but I still feel so empty. Am I just paddling in a circle?

I just signed a lease for a new move in as little as two weeks. It's free, in exchange for services provided to my downstairs neighbors (cleaning mostly). The family is amazing and very understanding. If I move again in a year I will lose it, mentally.

My life is still is boxes.

I feel lost.

Day 1

I know this won't last long, but it's worth a try.

My aunt and uncle had returned from their Florida trip late last night (I still think it was stupid, but they are adults). I had prepared... I have food, water, and a computer to pass the time. I had deep cleaned the house in the event I had the virus (worst case scenario)  ...All of this in an effort to pass the time while I wait for their two weeks to expire and it's safe to once again join the living space of the home. I had prepared to spend two weeks upstairs away from them in case THEY were carriers.

Worst case scenario has happened. I'm almost 85% certain I'm infected. I have a dry cough, I'm tired, can't smell or taste anything, and I've been sneezing up a storm. To top all of that off every inch of my body hurts, like I got hit by a very angry football player on his way to touchdown. When I lay down that side hurts, so I turn, then I turn again. I'm taking melatonin to at least get me to REM once.

I've just been sleeping mostly.

I've been isolated in my house since Wednesday, when I decided to leave work early due to being bored. Thursday I got the call from my boss: Nonessential. No surprise really, my boss had a good talk with me preparing me for the inevitable... no one really needs interviews for quality assurance. I decided to eat up the 100 hours I had built up in my PTO and then just be on administrative leave. I hope I still have a job when this is said and done. I really miss my job, my desk, my coworkers, the smelly fridge, the certainty of working 8:30am-4pm Monday-Friday.

I am just so fortunate to have a place, rent free, and no one that relies on me for income. Only thing I have to worry about now is car payments, but I'm ready and I have money.

I guess what I'm saying is even though I've been more connected as ever to my family and friends through the phone and my online presence I've never needed a hug more than I do now. And I can't even have that.